


Copulation Education

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 04:23:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4125376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amethyst teaches Peridot and Jasper about the wonders of the human mating process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Copulation Education

**Author's Note:**

> Post-Redemption, Early-20s Steven

The Temple House was entirely self-sustaining. Rose had made sure that it was able to provide everything that a human would need, and what little Gem technology the Crystal Gems had left over was more than enough for Pearl to build apparatuses that would draw power from the sun and desalinate water from the ocean. Sewage and communicates lines were a little trickier, but still solvable, and Steven was able to enjoy the luxuries of running water, toilets, and a phone line so his father could check up on him as needed. But as Steven grew older, portable communication technology became commonplace (finally), and the phone line hadn't been used in several years.

So when the phone in the kitchen started to ring, Pearl was understandably confused. She set down the dish she was in the middle of washing, dried her hands, and picked up the phone from its cradle on the counter. "Hello?"

"Pearl?" It was Steven, though that was difficult to tell through all the background noise seeping into the call. "Is Amethyst there?"

Pearl turned around. Amethyst was sitting at the breakfast bar, attempting to balance several spoons atop a can of soda in a pyramid pattern. "Yes, she's here." Pearl handed the phone to Amethyst.

Amethyst took the phone with one hand as she carefully placed another spoon with the other. "Yo, what's up? Thought you were with Jessica again."

There was silenced as Steven responded. Pearl resumed cleaning the dishes in the sink. "Yeah dude, alright!" Amethyst said from behind. Pearl heard the sound of a fist slamming against the counter-top, followed by the clattering of spoons. She sighed loudly, turning to pick up the spoons.

"Wait, you're bringing her back here?"

Pearl stopped and made eye contact with Amethyst, a questioning look on her face. Amethyst shrugged and held up her hand, telling Pearl to wait. "Uh huh. No, everyone except Pearl and me are in their rooms right now."

A pause. "Yeah no, don't worry dude. We'll clear out of the place by the time you too get back."

Another pause. "Wait, take the food _out_ of the fridge? Why d- Ohhhhh, that's smart. Alright, you need anything else?"

A final pause. "Awesome. You kids have fun."

Amethyst handed the phone to Pearl, who placed it back in its cradle. "Yeah, so Steven's bringing Jessica back."

"So I gathered," Pearl said, putting the last of the spoons away. "Why?"

"Because apparently her roommate is using her room for her and her girlfriend, so it's not 'available to them to use'."

"Use for what?"

Amethyst rolled her eyes. "Why do you think, P? They need to be alone tonight. Alone, _together_ " she emphasized the last sentence with a wink.

Pearl's eyes widened. " _Oh._ I didn't know that their relationship had... progressed to that stage."

"Neither did I. But hey, more power to them." Amethyst hopped off her stool and walked to the fridge, opening it and collecting items in her hand. "Hey, P, help me with this. I think I have a fridge that still works in my room."

"What, now?" Pearl looked at the dishes she still needed to dry. "Can it wait? And why do we need to empty the refrigerator?"

"Nope, Steven's coming back, like, right now. They were leaving Funland when he called me. And it's for his cover."

"His cover?"

"Yeah. He said he's told her that he 'knows this rental place' and the people that own it are 'gone for the summer'. Meaning we need a bit of a mess. Make it look like people haven't been here in a couple days."

"Oh." Pearl closed the fridge behind Amethyst.

"Here, I've got this," Amethyst said, balancing the stack of food in her arms. "Can you go round up the others? Make sure they all know what's going on?"

"Sure."

* * *

"They're doing _what?_ "

Jasper stared at Peridot and Amethyst incredulously. "I thought, y'know, _animals_ did that."

They were in Amethyst's room, right outside the Temple Door. Amethyst was rocking back and forth on an old, worn, wooden rocking horse. "Humans are animals, dude," she said, "Hate to break it to ya."

"Yeah, but-" Jasper shook her head, running a hand through her hair. "It's so _primitive_."

"Welcome to Earth," Peridot said, rolling her eyes and she leaned against a boulder. "I'm honestly surprised at how surprised you are."

"Well sorry I'm not as well versed in how humans work as much as you," Jasper shot back. She frowned, narrowing her eyes. "How does it work?" she asked after a couple moments of silent contemplation.

Amethyst continued to rock, shifting to balancing on her feet. "How does what work?"

"The... mating, I guess. Like, is there a ritual or something?"

Amethyst shrugged. "Sort of. It's more of a courtship process."

"Ah. So Rose's mate is desirable, then?"

"From what I can tell, yeah. I've never met her, but Steven seems to like her."

"Not that I'm surprised." Jasper leaned back against her pile, the various car parts rustling around her. "Rose has proven herself in battle. She's strong and intelligent. I'm sure potential candidates are flocking to her left and right, battling for the right to mate with her." She ended with a toothy grin.

Peridot made a sound somewhere between laughter and revulsion. "It sounds like you want to mate with Steven."

Jasper rolled her eyes. "No, thank you. I wouldn't even know how to do the actual mating part."

"That's true." Peridot began to pace the room, her feet clunking against the stone floor of the cave. "Come to think of it, I don't know how it would work, either."

They both turned to Amethyst, who sat up in her rocking horse. "What?"

"Do you know?" Jasper asked, raising an eyebrow. "Wait, that's a dumb question. Of course you do - you've been surrounded by humans for millennia."

"Yeah," Amethyst said, "Why? You guys want me to educate you?"

"Actually," Jasper said, sitting up and leaning forward, "I'm kind of curious now. So yeah, go for it."

Peridot walked over and sat down next to Jasper. "Yes, educate us on how human mating works. This should be good for a couple laughs."

"Alright, uh, where do I start?" Amethyst said, hopping off the wooden horse.

"Start with the courtship," Jasper said. "What does Rose have to do to acquire the best possible mate?"

"Well okay," Amethyst started, "So humans have this concept called 'flirting'..."

* * *

Pearl skirted around yet another pile of junk. "I know they're around here somewhere," she said, more to herself than to her companions. "I can hear them."

"They're near the door," Garnet said. Pearl changed direction, and Lapis followed the two of them, jogging a little to keep up with the taller gems. "So," Lapis said, "Why exactly are we confined to the Temple? You guys didn't mention a reason."

"Oh," Pearl said, "I'm sorry, Lapis. Amethyst is much better at explaining human matters than I am, so she wanted us all to be together so we would all be on the same page. It's something to do with Steven."

"Ah," Lapis hopped over a car tire.

"And they should be right over-" Pearl said, turning a corner.

Peridot and Jasper were seated next to each other, intently listening to Amethyst, whose back was turned to Pearl. "Here. Amethyst?"

Amethyst turned around. "Oh, good, you're here."

Pearl yelled and jumped back, recoiling in horror. Garnet groaned, shielding her eyes with her hand. Lapis looked at Amethyst, then at Pearl, then at Garnet, confused.

"Amethyst," Pearl said through gritted teeth. "What are you doing?"

Amethyst looked down. "Oh," she said, "I was just showing these two how human mating works. We were just getting to the part where-"

"I'm clear on what part you're on, Amethyst," Pearl said looking everywhere but at Amethyst. "But does your explanation have to be so... visual?"

Lapis' eyes grew wide with understanding. "Ohhhhh," she said. Her hands suddenly flew to her mouth, and a suppressed giggle escaped her lips.

Amethyst shrugged, a hand on her hip. "Yeah, but its easier when you show it, y'know?"

A second, louder laugh slipped through Lapis' defense.

Pearl rolled her eyes. "Well in any case, put it away."

"Yeah," Jasper said, "You might poke someone's eye out."

Amethyst's response was interrupted by a wave of laughter from Lapis. She fell to her knees, hands around her waist, barely able to breathe.

"Oh yeah," Amethyst said, turning back to Peridot and Jasper. "Humans find these things hilarious."

"Why?" Jasper asked, raising an eyebrow.

Amethyst shrugged. "No idea. I think these things are weird, to be honest." She turned back to Pearl and Garnet. "Am I allowed to finish? I was actually teaching them human stuff."

Pearl sighed. "Fine. Just... don't make _that_ " Pearl waved her hand in Amethyst's general direction. "A habit."

"Eww, yeah, of course," Amethyst said, grimacing. She turned back to Peridot and Jasper. "Where was I?"

Garnet sighed. "Good. I need to go erase that image from my mind forever." Garnet started to walk towards her room. "Make sure she doesn't hurt herself," she said over her shoulder as she passed Lapis, still laughing and rolling on the floor.

"Poke... someone's... _eye_ out," Lapis repeated, wiping a tear from her eye. She subsided a bit before erupting again in a fit of cackling. “Oh man, that is _good_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Headcannon: Lapis and Steven bond heavily over the infinitely deep humor source that is dick jokes.
> 
> Hey I managed to write 1500 words about sex and dicks without directly referencing either. Go me.


End file.
